2-11-2011 ----- Wednesday - Just let the ocean wave inside your soul
Hi everyone,
Today I woke up in the morning and like usually, I was having a tough moment of true despair and panic feelings. So I decided today, to take a day off and just relax. I know, I know, school is important for me. But it is wisely brought to me by a lot of people to tell me 'It's not a wonder if you have some bad days after three years of fighting in a cycle of depression, give yourself some time''.
So I listened to them today. It's hard to believe, that I will ever say ''Was this me, being afraid of those LITTLE things?'' Yeah, still those little things are like big capital words, I know. In fact it is little for some people, going to school is a daily need. Well, some people might not consider it as a need, or a well-factor of spending the day, but hey, some people really got the motivation to fight for a future and a good job. Who doesn't want to gain money? Or have a fun job, dream job?
For me, it is like a true passion. Learning and getting to know well at school. Good results and know the fact that things are working out. It is a release for me, if I have gotten a good mark, I am deeply honoured just because I know things are finally working out, it might has nothing to do with anxiety but perhaps it might be. Because I'm at school and that is a step, and getting a mark is like a sign of proof that I have stepped into the classroom and sat with a full class.
So, today I'll just relax. I just had a cup a soup and did some breathing exercises. I got the most wonderful relaxation techniques / methods yesterday. My coach is very well understanding and a real empath I would say. I will write about the first session in the next journal, I think this will be helping me so much due to my panic disorder. I'm still stuck in the road, but will not attack the ocean, just let the waves float.
Thanks for reading.
Much love,
Sassy.
Hello everybody, this is my daily journal. I am speaking about my life, emotions and the thoughts I am triggering, I have very severe SA and have got bipolar mood swings. I also deal with Borderline and I have a form of autism. I will describe a lot in my blog.
I wanna share a lot. so I can write it off my mind.
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1-11-2011 Tuesday - A heavy school day.
I am going to school after three years being agoraphic, afraid to go out.
Now I'm back in college and i'm dreading to go to school tomorrow.
Everynight, it's a true struggle, I'm writing this within a broken moment,
I think writing will help a lot, it's a release and a good help for everybody.
I wish I could just feel not so afraid....
It's because I want it just so bad to go all right. I am wishing to graduate, school is so important for me and especially to get a diploma. But I'm constantly terrified each day to just go there. I feel an urge of bringing up avoidance the next day every single night before. Like, that I will just stay just at home, Will I just hide myself again and feel sad everyday to miss out all the beautiful things, like I used to do?
I CAN'T STAND THIS FEELING. it's killing me inside. I tell myself to NEVER avoid my dreams. I want it so bad. It's also killing me, it's making me so anxious. I hyperventilate each second in class, I feel like my sight is getting weird and i'm getting sick from all the physical symptoms, like shaky hands and beating heart and chocking dizzy and being sick all time in class, anxiety does make you (feel like) an alien. Believe me.
I do have moments that I'm doing all right in class. I feel more at ease and I can laugh with the classmates. This is making me so happy that I am having good moments. I did sit with the classmates in the canteen even tho the canteen was sooo full of people. It is possible. I did help other classmates with work, i did get a compliment that I'm the best of class, I have a higher intelligence lever he told me. (teacher) I'm so happy and feel proud of the results, and feel grateful by his compliment, Though I can't still believe it since I'm still as surviving a journey.
But why do I have to feel so lost? I'm so fearful and it's making me feel scared.....
I cried today, actually I cried 5 times today. I cried the morning before going to school, I tried hiding my tears in the full bus, I was crying to the therapist who didn't understand me having a panic attack, I was crying to my dad that I'm dreaming of a life without panic.... And finally live my dreams, really live them.. Now I just SURVIVE them...
Also I cried just a few minutes ago. I started to realise like each day how much it takes to go thru this. I seriously want to get better.
I fight everyday, it's a real journey. I have Several social anxiety, I had street fear, not wanting to go to the mail box.
I am proud of improvement yes. I can now even reach further than the mail box.
I go to school every day, it's a miracle. that I do this again after all these years. It still is rough, but I have to say that it's GETTING better... Since I never could dream of being in school again, of course I dreamed of it EVERY SINGLE DAY.. when I saw those school kids cycling outside the house to their schools. and saw them cycling. It's so important to me.. :(
It's a shame to be at home and miss out everything, will make you realise what you miss, and make you FIGHT SO HARD that you will DO EVERYTHING... someday!
I know that it gave me all the power to fight now.... I took all my courage together all these years and it brought me dreams to a higher level... It makes me feel things like true empathy.. I wanna help people so bad too if I ever reach the point I am climbing towards to....
I will definitely fight so hard.. To go to school tomorrow by bus and try to keep my head up. I will not worry to much about the results since my teacher is very proud of my work. I know I can do it, sometimes I just have to learn things like everybody else does. I can't know everything, I will never know everything, I can't ask myself the impossible (my girlfriend's quote<3) I will just do my best like I did before.
Tomorrow is a long school day, untill 2.45pm yep it's long for me.
I will keep you guys updated about tomorrow.
Thanks for reading everybody. Hope the emotional parts are okay.
That is just me. It's a part of me. I'm working on it, also. (acceptance=key to change)
Kindly Regards,
Saskia.
RED LIGHT, GREEN LIGHT
(Lyrics by my songwriter Alexandre Santos)
This is going to be a new song in my own made songs collection on YouTube.
I have been already thinking about a melody to sing.
I will post an audio clip below the lyrics soon. My amazing friend have been writing this, thank you.
I bet mostly any Bipolar person can relate to it. It's a true life of us!
I feel so good,
I feel so great,
I’m in the right mood,
I’m ready for a date.
I feel so down,
I feel so low,
I’ve got the smile of the clown,
I don’t care where to go!
(Chorus)
Red light,
Green light,
I’m climbing high,
I’m diving deep,
Red light,
Green light,
I don’t know if this is a sigh,
I don’t know if I want to sleep,
I don’t know if I want to laugh,
I don’t know if I want to fight,
I just know it’s more than enough,
This green light,
This red light,
Always right behind my heel,
I just don’t know how to feel.
And the day shines,
And the night calls,
I’ve got all the right lines,
Written on the right walls.
And the day fades,
And the night dies,
In the middle of the raids,
I can only hear my cries.
This young man, N. Vuijic has no legs and no arms.
Nope, he hasn't been through an accident or a difficult trauma.
He is born this way. A special kind of human, don't you see?
He really is, he is helping everyone to consider what acceptance really is.
This man truly needs acceptance, otherwise he cannot stand living.
This counts for everyother. We all need to find acceptance, the key to LIVE.
Some people have been born with a disability. I'm never saying that things are worse or better for anyone, everybody has another experience. So I can never judge into facts I don't know.
I do know, that I have a disability myself, you can read more about this in my blog.
All I'm saying, is that if you really know how to be your own friend, as in a faithful friend, helping yourself out and not being harsh and judgemental on the fact that you are like different, you will feel okay and finally know what life can offer you.
A disability can be strength, courageous people know how to turn this into a gift.
Even though you have something serious, you are loved to beloved in life, and life is the love.
Think about it.
Give yourself a big fat hug.
Sassy
